Scattered Thoughts and Scattered Feelings

In her article, Campbell describes how, as women, we like to think that rape could never happen to us. Somehow, we're invincible. In this way, we protect ourselves. It's scary to go out into a world where every moment could be the moment we are sexually assaulted, where every individual could be a perpetrator. And in some ways, it seems denial is necessary, to an extent. We can't live in constant fear. In reading Campbell's words, I was able to better understand my own emotional reaction to sexual assault. Hearing survivor story after survivor story has broken me, and I've found myself wishing that I didn't know just how real sexual assault is. Once you know something, there's no way to 'unknow' it. And with that knowledge comes a burden, and a passion for change. When change doesn't happen, it breaks you all over again. And I've found myself wishing that I just didn't know.

I can't stop sexual assault from happening. I can't undo what has been done to those I love. Sexual assault is about taking control and gaining power over another individual. While I wouldn't begin to compare my own feelings to those of an individual who has experienced sexual assault, there is a loss of control that comes from knowing that I can't fix this. I'm left with my own vulnerability, and, as Campbell writes, “shattered beliefs in a safe world” (41). Rape is something that can happen to me, and it's something that can happen to those I love. I can't stop it. I can't protect myself or anyone else. And if it's something that's going to happen regardless of who I am, how I feel, or what I do, I'm again left wondering it would be easier if I just didn't know.

But I do know, and I do feel. I don't know if it's possible to interact with sexual assault on a purely intellectual level, and I don't even know if that would be healthy. As frustrating and disheartening as my own emotional response is, it's what moves me to action. I'm thankful that I know, because even if the impact I have is small, it's more of an impact than I would have if I didn't know. And if nobody knew, nothing would change.