My excitement level is extremely high for learning, but I feel like I am floundering for my place in the women's movement.
I grew up during the second wave of feminism and fully remember rallies where women were burning their bras. What an exciting time it was for women! We came out of the house. I was always taught never to take a back seat to any man. I was equal! My parents stressed equal, not just men and women, but all people were created equal. It was difficult for me to understand any other thought process, until I graduated from high school and went to work. Shock set in, but I was stubborn and to this day, I maintain all are equal. Through the years I have fought the fight when it came to my door, but mostly, I focused on other projects.
Then I went back to school so that I could make a difference in young adolescent girl lives as a counseling psychologist. My major is in psychology and my minor is in women's studies. I thought
'I lived through it, I got this women's stuff' ... wrong! First class in women's studies, I felt like today's women hate first wavers! I was defensive, but as time went on and through more classes, more readings, and closer relationships, I began to understand. Women have evolved, the young women in my classes are strong, intelligent, amazing young women. Prompting me to think, 'so now what?'
I need to maintain my direction for returning to school; however, I want to make a difference in the advancement of women's issues. I thought with the class on Sexual Assault, I can contribute through the CLS component! Yes my excitement soared! I did my readings, paid attention in class, tried to get all the lingo down and wanted to be prepared for my first meeting with my CLS advisor. I am placed at the Indo Association For Women. They are doing current research on Honour Violence! I arrive half hour early, did some reading in my car and finally the time arrived to go in. I enter the women's association and all I saw were men! Oh My Gosh! To top it off, the man sitting at the reception desk reminds me to take off my shoes and how I need to read the sign. I stood there stunned and I am sure looked not right in the head. Thankfully Raj (my supervisor) came from the back room and took over explaining that if it is raining, I was to take off my shoes. It was not raining. I am so grateful to Raj, what an amazing woman! She made me feel so comfortable and the work we will be doing is fascinating! I even get to sit in on focus groups!
Here is where all that background stuff comes together to hopefully make some sense. I left the centre and immediately felt guilty. My initial thoughts and feelings, upon walking into the "women's centre" were, intimidation and 'what is a man doing here'. Then 'Oh, I am not supposed to be feeling or thinking that, I am liberated, gender should not matter' but it did matter, it mattered to me. I was intimidated and I thought 'what if a young woman, in trouble walked in there....she might turn around and walk right back out' I rationalized all night. Then, reflecting on our first reading, The Perils of Institutionalization in Neoliberal Times: Results of A National Survey of Canadian Sexual Assault and Rape Crisis Centres, by Beres, Crow and Gotell, I remembered how the centre in Vancouver takes a lot of heat because they do not allow anyone other than women to work there. When I read the article, I thought they needed to get with the program. After I walked out the the Indo Women's Association, I had a new understanding of how they could say 'only women'. Then I thought of all the funding problems women's centres have, and again I did a turn around. Raj did say they wanted to hire and were short staffed. My thoughts concluded with 'at what cost are we (Canadians) shorting out the people'. Budget cutbacks, staffing, volunteers, it all made me angry! I was grateful to have had the Sexual Assault Centre on campus come to speak to us. Listening helped me to put my emotions in place. I put some of the self care strategies into place. I am in a better emotional space, and somewhat closer to finding my place, but not there yet. A journey of discovery is good and I am enjoying the challenge!
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